Is it ok if I rant a bit?

I’m not ok. Should I write when I’m not ok?

I’m feeling confused, tired, vulnerable, insecure, tired, misunderstood, abandoned, forgotten, self-doubting, defensive, unloved. Feeling sorry for myself. Did I say tired? I want a mother and father to dote over me, to treasure and cherish me, to marvel at my fingers and toes.

I feel alone. Like I have to go it alone, carry this load by myself. Be brave. Be strong. I’ve been at this so long people no longer ask how I’m doing. They tell me I look good, that I’m positive or inspirational or something.

The trouble is, I’m not up to it anymore. I’m tired.

Things are going ok, I suppose. There is still the myriad of doctors and testing and scanning and poking and probing. Chemo every 3rd Monday. On Tuesday I have to have yet another surgery to replace the port that was put in my chest in 2012 to facilitate the endless chemo infusions. I don’t remember anything about the original procedure when the port was put in, that’s how out of it I was back then. The port no longer functions so another one will be put in, and threaded up into my jugular vein.

I guess it’s no big deal, but somehow I’m not ok. I have to go under anesthesia again. More cutting on my body. I think it’s the cutting part that is bothering me. I want to curl up into a ball and protect my body. Defend myself. I’m tired of the knives and needles and radioactive rays that are bombarding me. Weekly, it seems.

I want to be swaddled. Carried. Cared for. Protected. Loved.

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7 thoughts on “Is it ok if I rant a bit?

  1. It is more than okay to rant, scream, call it what it is, unimaginable to most of us. I would like to be there to swaddle, rock and paint your toenails.
    Hold on and breathe. I love you. Ann

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  2. It’s more than okay to rant, scream, cry and remind all of us how unbearable it is. Unimaginable to most of us. I want to be there to swaddle, rock and paint your toenails. Hang on and breathe. I love you. Ann

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  3. Yes, you should write if you are not O.K. Most people avoid the suffering of another person and offer shallow words of positivity. We want to know if you are not O.K. Our prayers for you will increase now that you have let us know. We want it to stop as well. We don’t want you to go through this – not alone. I hope someone comes by just to hold your hand. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, it is okay to rant especially to your friends. I think when people don’t hear they assume all is good when actually it’s not. So… rant to me all you want. I am here for you. Lots of love. I’ll email you a card. Lots of love

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  5. If you can’t rant and rave to us than who can you. I wish we were closer so we could be there with you. Ann is right. We don’t know what it is like to live with cancer day to day or go through all those hideous procedures. But you sure are a fighter and you make it real for us. Today I’m going to a fundraiser for one of my coworkers. Cancer on the windpipe. She is being treated at MD Anderson and has already gone through a difficult surgery and getting ready for radiation treatment. I almost wasn’t going but now I am. Keep up the fight, one day at a time. We need you. Love Libbie

    From: anewcomb412@aol.com Subject: Re: Is it ok if I rant a bit? Date: Sat, 2 Apr 2016 18:54:57 -0400 To: comment+zej0wahcb6sz_tynwy16l7@comment.wordpress.com; bqueen427@gmail.com; annette.m.walker@gmail.com; prudence63110@yahoo.com; Libcasso@hotmail.com; felicia@ferrara.cc; janef.hurst@yahoo.com; k_john3707@bellsouth.net; lgknopp@bellsouth.net

    It’s more than okay to rant, scream, cry and remind all of us how unbearable it is. Unimaginable to most of us. I want to be there to swaddle, rock and paint your toenails. Hang on and breathe. I love you. Ann Sent from my iPad

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  6. Know that it’s more than okay…you are so loved.  Wrap yourself in a blanket of forever friends and feel our group hug. So sorry for your pain.

    Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S® 5 ACTIVE™, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

    Like

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