A few days ago I wrote that I felt alone – “Like I have to go it alone, carry this load by myself. Be brave. Be strong. … ”
The response was a windfall of support, friendship, flowers, emails, phone calls, text messages, art. It is clear that there is no lack of supportive and loving friends in my life, no matter how lousy I feel or how grumpy I am. Then Janine said: “About the “alone” feeling. I think this is a characteristic of carrying one’s cross. … They are going to be different for all of us, but I do believe that is something to recognize.”
And it clicked. I got it.
I AM alone.
I feel alone in my struggle so I reach out to others, and they are all there. But I am beginning to see that my alone-ness is the alone-ness of each of us. We can share this with each other, support each other and love each other, but we cannot cross over to carry another’s cross.
We each are alone with our own life and death.
This is the sacred space.
There is no need to panic. Rather I can go to this sacred space within. This place of solitude and silence (of darkness and unknowing), and I can trust it.
The invitation is there. Meet with my own alone-ness. Engage at that place in myself that is most vulnerable, desolate and alone. Sit there.
This is the wellspring within that protects and guides, swaddles and carries, feeds and sustains.
[Fully realizing that this may make no sense at all to anyone else. Especially since I am reluctant to use the word “God”.]